Thursday, November 25, 2010

I look so fat when I cry

Today was more than I can take. Thanksgiving dinner was supposed to be 
SIMPLEANDEASY
EASYANDSIMPLE
SIMPLEANDEASY
EASYANDSIMPLE
Just eat a bit of salad, a bit of white meat, a few bites of a roll and talk a lot. Just do it. You will be fine. You will be fine. Fine..fin..fye...fya...fayt...fat....FAT. I purged. I exercised. I did it. No I didn't. 
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I want to curl up and die. I want to curl up and disappear. I'm not eating tomorrow.

I am a failure.

-The Eye Sore

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What the fuck?

So last night my brother barges into my room after I said I was going to bed. He almost caught me on PrettyThin and I was so pissed. Then he makes a comment about how I look fat when I sit down. Then I told him he's fatter than me. Then he made me go weigh myself to prove it to him. I am only 2 lbs lighter, but I have a lower body fat percentage than he does. That gives me some hope I suppose, but it was humiliating to have to step on the scale in front of somebody. I want to be at least to my 2nd goal weight before Christmas. I want to rub in the fact that I can lose weight and he can't. He can work out and lift weights all he wants but he can never get rid of the fat >:D

He's always been the favorite. Same with my sister, and my sister was anorexic when she was my age. Then she got fat. I'm going to be the fucking thin one in the family for once.

I'm going to win.

-The Eye Sore

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Inspiration Mother fxcker!

So my brother got here today. Not quite as bad as I though..we have been getting along okay so far. I know that eventually, the happy wears off and he begins the hitting. The first thing he said to me when he got here was "So why don't you work out?" I almost slugged him. That does give me some motivation to exercise though. My dad forces him to lift weights at his house. The one thing that made me smile today, though, was when my brother weighed himself and came out saying "I'm rocking 174!" He has always been thinner than me and it gives me so much pride to know that I weigh less than him :D

Something shitty happened today too. The girl who was selling me addies got cut off from her prescription. That means I'm cut off. I bought my last 5 today and almost got caught :/ I guess I have to go back to diet pills or just get a prescript of my own. Bleh.

Today I ate one piece of whole wheat toast (70) and a V8 (30) for breakfast, water for lunch, and three saltine crackers (39) and some green tea for dinner. (: 

-The Eye Sore

Monday, November 22, 2010

BINGEbingeBINGEbingeFUCKmyLIFE

I came down from my adderall and I didn't have enough left for the weekend....yeah binges. BIG TIME. I feel disgusting and horrible and bloated. Now I have more adderall and I controlled myself today.
I'm scared. My twin brother is coming to visit for Thanksgiving. He always calls me fat, worthless, and lazy. I don't know if I can handle that right now, you know? I'm just starting to get back on track..maybe his comments will help keep me there. 
Insomnia..It's 1 in the morning and I'm updating my blog. Awesome. Tomorrow is going to be torture.
*sigh*
Today I ate toast for breakfast, toast for lunch, and raman noodles for dinner. It's too much. Tomorrow is a 200 calorie limit. Now that Thanksgiving break is starting, it's going to be really hard to watch what I'm eating and to hide my scale, tape measure, etc. The last thing I need is nosy siblings picking through my things. Well, that's all for tonight I suppose. 

-The Eye Sore

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I don't even know.

I'm down another 2.6 lbs today. I'm so happy it only took one day to get back under my first goal weight. I've set a new goal now.
I'm having issues deciding weather or not I should eat again today. I don't want to, but my body is telling me I have to. I feel like I could pass out at any second. In a way, that is how I want to feel, but it doesn't feel very good. All I've eaten today is 3 crackers (39) and a V8 (30). If I don't eat for the rest of today its a total of 69 cals, but I'm considering eating a sugar free applesauce (50) for a total of 119 cals.
I'll feel so weak if I eat though..but I need something with carbs..so I don't end up passing out in front of my mom or something. :/

I'll update again before I go to sleep tonight.

-The Eye Sore

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This is absolutely lovely

It describes so vividly what goes through my mind at times.

So here goes nothing.
She's the reason you strive
The little voice in your head
Pain makes you feel so alive
But you wish you were dead
She's the sound of the wind
Or a starving girl's moans
She'll punish you for your sins
And she'll rattle your bones
Scream! Say it fast
But time runs so slow
Our broken bodies won't last
And we all whisper "no. . ."
Well, your future is set
Further battles are lost
The misuse I can't forget
But the abuse is missed when it's gone
She's the reason you won't eat
I'm never properly fed
She's the fire in your feet
Who'll turn a coffin into your bed
She's the remaining hot ash
From the burning of trees
She pours salt into every gash
And she'll bring you to your knees.
Scream! Say it fast
But time runs so slow
Our broken bodies won't last
And we all whisper "no. . ."
Well, your future is set
Further battles are lost
The misuse I can't forget
But the abuse is missed when it's gone
She's the slow song in your step
The reason behind your lack of pace
The reason your mother wept
When she always watched you waste. . .
She's the boy who made you cry
She's the tiny cuts in your wrist
You were never good enough, why?
Now today's calories are on a list
Scream! Say it fast
But time runs so slow
Our broken bodies won't last
And we all whisper "no. . ."
Well, your future is set
Further battles are lost
The misuse I can't forget
But the abuse is missed when it's gone
Ana Wrecks Ya
There's nothing you can do
Who's next? Ya.
Only inches left to lose
And then there is her friend Mia
Who's spun out of control
A new way, and old idea
And it's begun to take it's toll.
Ana Wrecks Ya
But we still need you.
There's no room to flex ya
Broken spirit, in worn out shoes
Scream! Say it fast
But time runs so slow
Our broken bodies won't last
And we all whisper "no. . ."
Well, your future is set
Further battles are lost
The misuse I can't forget
But the abuse is missed when it's gone. . .

-The Eye Sore

Update for Sunday - Wednesday

I started my week off with a fast. Sunday and Monday I had nothing but water and a tiny bit of lemonade. I lost about two pounds. 
Yesterday (Tuesday) I had sugar free applesauce (50) and a small V8 (30) for breakfast, water for lunch, and two pieces of chicken (474) for dinner. The dinner was unavoidable. I forgot to cook and leave out dishes before my mom got home, because I was too focused on my homework. She "surprised" me with fried chicken..I didn't eat the skin and I picked out the smallest pieces I could find. I purged most of it and I did an extra 50 minutes of exercise to get rid of it. I only lost 1 lb. 
Today my mom is staying at her boyfriends house 45 minutes away. :D She left like 30 minutes before I normally say I have dinner so I don't have to cook and waste food. All I've had today is a V8 (30) and 3 saltine crackers (39), and 3 glasses of water. That's all I plan on eating. I really have to work hard to make up for Saturday and Tuesday. I hope I can do it. No, I WILL do it.

-The Eye Sore

My unfortunate undoing :/

Last week was probably the best I've had in a long while. I got to my first goal weight. I was actually 0.1 lbs under. I know that's not a lot, but for me it was a tiny (no pun intended) victory. That being said, Saturday was the undoing of everything I have accomplished. 

The basic run-down of my weekend: 
Friday night - hanging out with a cute guy and a new friend, still on adderall (40 mg) from that morning. 
Saturday morning - take adderall (20 mg) when I wake up, planning to stay bored at home until I get picked up for the party, eat my breakfast (which takes about 2 hours), another friend calls and wants to go to the mall so I take more adderall (40 mg). 
Saturday night - I thought the addys and my cigarettes would get me through the party without a problem..I was wrong. I greatly underestimated my tolerance for ADHD drugs at this point. I was okay when I first arrived but then my friends made all this food...I ended up binging on pizza rolls, gummy worms, and a small fry from McDonalds. 

Long story short (but still kind of long, lol), I gained back half the weight I lost in my week of "staying strong." I feel so worthless and fat. I looked at my reflection this morning and I swear I put on at least 20 lbs...but the scale only says 4. I guess in my head 4 lbs might as well be 20 lbs.
Total loss for last week is 4.6 lbs. It would have been 8.6.... *sigh*

-The Eye Sore

Friday, November 12, 2010

I love this week.

So today was pretty much just amazingly amazing. :D I've stuck to my 300 or less plan all week, I got a bunch of adderall, my grades are finally starting to go up (thanks to the addys :P ), and I spent time with an amazing guy!

To be honest, I think taking the adderall is one of the main reasons I've stuck to my plan. No, I'm NOT abusing amphetamines to lose weight. That would be fucking stupid. I take them so I can focus in school because my grades are starting to slip. The appetite suppressing part is just a bonus ;] 

Also today, I spent time with my friends Danielle and Micah. Danielle left kind of early and Micah and I sat alone and talked for an hour and a half after she left. I thought he was really nice and now I think I'm developing feelings for him. (: That kind of makes things complicated though..because whenever I get close to somebody, either I get hurt..or they do. :/ 

Tomorrow I was supposed to spend the entire day with my family, which would make it very hard to stick to my eating plan but I got around it :D I've been doing a good job of that this week. The past two days I've been with friends after school, I told my mom that I ate dinner with them. Then I use the money she gave me for dinner on adderall ;] cunning, i am. haha

Geez. Long post is long. Stay Strong xxx

-The Eye Sore

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A quick update 11/10/11

My breakfast was one container of applesauce (50), a V8 (30), and 3 saltine crackers (39) but I ended up purging that. Then I had my coffee (2).  Lunch was a banana (105) and water. Dinner was a fuze (20) and 2 peices of gum (7.5). all together its 262 minus what I purged and the exercise I did.

I've been super busy with marching band stuff lately, but now season is over and I will be updating a lot more frequently. btw, my marching band went from 5th in the state to 2nd in the state in one year. That never happens. I did a 24 hour fast in celebration (: xxxStaystrong

-The Eye Sore

Thursday, October 21, 2010

300 calories my ass.

So basically what it has come down to is me sitting alone in my room to afraid to come out. I finally built up the courage so sneak into the living room to post this. Just seeing the coffee table and desk littered with dirty dishes and wrappers was almost enough to set me off again. 

I'm so scared now, to even have the tiniest bit of food. I know that whatever I put in my mouth will want a friend. Then they will want more guests, and more and more and more. 

It's my own fault. I let myself get too hungry. Then, when I have the smallest bit of anything, I start shoveling the food in like there is no tomorrow. The thing is I want to be hungry. 

I started cutting again a few nights ago. I will every time I overeat. For now, that means every time I eat. I'm done with food. 

How many times have I said that?

FUCK THIS.

-The Eye Sore

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I've been grounded.

Update: I've lost 7 lbs. AND IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ANYTHING. I still look as gross and fat as ever. I used to take pride in any small amount of weight I lost, now I just want to lose more. Lose more, do better, get smaller, Lose more, do better, get smaller.


On a group diet. I'm not allowed to bitch or complain on the forum so of course I'll do it here. 

I sound so angry. Maybe I'm just hungry...

300 calorie limit today. 20 minutes of cardio, 2x20 lunges, 4x20 crunches.

ACT prep today. fun.

-The Eye Sore

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lunch. Just kill me now.

This is all I eat as I'm surrounded by cookies, chips, french fries, and amazingly good looking foods. I miss being able to eat them. :/

Tis a simple peach. Nothing more, nothing less.


-The Eye Sore

Well thats breakfast down.

I stole this idea from a friend on another website
(prettythin.com check it out!)

I'll be posting what I'm eating and pictures of it so people who are following my diet, and doing it with me can know what the portions should look like (:

Breakfast: 1/4 cup of Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats, water, diet pills (optional, obviously)

I'll post lunch a bit late because I have school. xx

-The Eye Sore

Sunday, September 19, 2010

S I N ♥





9/20/10

I ate too much yesterday. I can feel it. I'm so scared to step on the scale in the morning, but I know that I must. I'm so sick of starting OVER AND OVER. This is a never ending cycle. 

I have finally found a place where I feel like I belong. The problem is, that place is at youth group. I am not, nor will I ever be a christian. My friends bring me in the hopes that I will one day become one. I don't want to let them down, nor do I want to lose my comfortable place, but I feel like I'm living a lie. The only divine power in my life is Ana. 

I just want this to be over. I just wish my body would look how I want. I don't want to wait, I just want to go and do it. I don't want to lose the last ounce of faith I have left.


-The Eye Sore

I don't understand it.

I wince at my reflection.
The mirror is a disease.
With a mind like mine,
im nowhere near "At ease".

Shove the plate away.
Say i already ate.
Am i really passing?
Am i doing great?

Im no expert,
Barley a beginner.
But after a little practice,
you can avoid your dinner.

Step on the scale,
hope for perfection.
but you know by now,
the fat is an infection.

Stare at the dark,
wait for a brighter black.
Enjoy happiness now,
For the demons will come back...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

This time, I won't try 9/18/10

I'm starting over for the one millionth time. I believe I have finally found the key to success. Surprisingly, I have found it by being a part of the marching band. In marching, our director always pushes us above and beyond our full potential. Sometimes it hurts, but it only makes us better in the long run. We had a competition today and came in first. That has never happened. 

I believe I can apply this to dieting. As I struggle to lose weight, the one thing I keep coming back to is, why don't I try hard enough? In marching band, there is not try. There is only DO. I simply need to stop trying to lose weight, and start actually doing it. 

As in marching band, I must push myself above and beyond my full potential. Even if it hurts, I must keep pushing. I have seen that the harder you push, the more you are rewarded in the end. I want my reward to be grand.

-The Eye Sore


Meal Plan:
Breakfast- dry cereal with green tea ♥ 200
Lunch- One peach and water ♥ 38
Dinner- Half a piece of toast and water ♥ 70