Oh Sophie darling, you're dead inside

These past few days have not been good. At all. To go into detail would make me too upset, too insane. As much as I know people love me, I can't help but feel isolated and hated. My cutting is getting worse, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to fade.

I've been putting on this strong face for Benjamin, because I love him and I can't stand to see him upset because of me. I told him I ate three meals today. In reality I had two pieces of pizza while some people were over filming for a biology project. I tried to purge as soon as they left, but I could get anything up and I ended up crying and cutting. I'm not eating tomorrow. 

I was hurt on Monday night because I was with some friends and I had a really big band concert. My mom is the only person I live with and she didn't want to go because it was "too long to sit through." I thought surely my best friend and my boyfriend would like to go and support me, but of course it was "too long to sit through." I was so hurt that nobody cared about me enough to support the one thing that means the most to me. I talked to Benjamin about it and he said he was sorry but I could tell he was only saying because he loves me and wanted to make me feel better.

Whats sad is I would have done it for them.

I'm done writing for today because I'm upset. I'm getting so sick of putting up this front. This is not who I really am. I'm not happy-go-lucky Sophie who seems like she never has a problem. I'm not the girl who always has a smile on her face. I'm the girl who cries in the bathroom at school because she though the people who sit behind her were laughing at how fat her back is. I'm the girl who slits her wrists over a gain of 0.4lbs. I'm the girl who is failing every class, but is always too depressed to focus on her school work.

I'M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.

-The Eye Sore

Insomniac?

I haven't really been able to sleep for weeks, but this is the first time I've pulled an all nighter in a while. I just can't make the thoughts stop tonight. My love is upset with me for not eating this weekend, and I promised I would try just for him. I will try, but I doubt I will succeed. 

I don't want today to happen. There is too much going on. I missed school Friday and I'm sure I have a ton of work to make up. Work that I won't do. I'm failing all of my classes.. Also, I have a band concert tonight. I love band so much, and playing my instrument makes me the happiest person alive. I don't want to go tonight though. Why? Because I look fat in my uniform. I'm a dumbass, I know. I would rather curl up on the couch, alone, and have to face my thoughts than be in the one place I'm happiest. All because I'm fat. Nice one, Sophie. 

My mind feels like its going a million mile an hour. I'm feeling unnecessarily poetic. It's like I'm trying tirelessly to fill my mundane experiences with a facade of beauty, to make them appealing to readers of a blog that is mostly to control my tormenting thoughts. Oh my. 

I should stop before I begin to blather on about nothingness. I have an hour and a half to kill before it's time to get up. Am I going to sleep? Probably not. Am I going to work out because I ate and purged two bites of pizza? Definitely. 

-The Eye Sore

Oh dear, it has been too long.

I haven't posted in quite a while and I feel like a failure because nothing has changed. Well, a lot has changed but I have barely lost any weight.

First things first: I'm back with my ex. He is the most amazing and wonderful boy I know and I'm so glad he's back in my life because it was getting so hard trying to pretend I didn't miss him. He knows about my problems and he is always there to listen to me. I love that boy more than he knows. <3

Next: Christmas wasn't a complete disaster. I lost 10lbs over the break but I came back with bruises and a shattered self-esteem thanks to my brother. That hasn't quite repaired itself yet. I got to see my sister as well. She got fatter and I feel like a terrible person for being happy. She's visiting for spring break along with her girlfriend. I hope that I'm thinner than her at this point...

Finally: I've started cutting again. I've been really depressed lately and I couldn't take it anymore. I'm so angry at myself for starting this again, but I can't stop. I never could. Now that I've lost my virginity I'm so scared for my boyfriend to see my body because I hate it. Every  time he tells me how beautiful and perfect I am I just want to cut and cut and cut to make him see how ugly I really am. >_< 

I hope nobody has missed me. I doubt people read this anyway.

-The Eye Sore