These past few days have not been good. At all. To go into detail would make me too upset, too insane. As much as I know people love me, I can't help but feel isolated and hated. My cutting is getting worse, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to fade.
I've been putting on this strong face for Benjamin, because I love him and I can't stand to see him upset because of me. I told him I ate three meals today. In reality I had two pieces of pizza while some people were over filming for a biology project. I tried to purge as soon as they left, but I could get anything up and I ended up crying and cutting. I'm not eating tomorrow.
I was hurt on Monday night because I was with some friends and I had a really big band concert. My mom is the only person I live with and she didn't want to go because it was "too long to sit through." I thought surely my best friend and my boyfriend would like to go and support me, but of course it was "too long to sit through." I was so hurt that nobody cared about me enough to support the one thing that means the most to me. I talked to Benjamin about it and he said he was sorry but I could tell he was only saying because he loves me and wanted to make me feel better.
Whats sad is I would have done it for them.
I'm done writing for today because I'm upset. I'm getting so sick of putting up this front. This is not who I really am. I'm not happy-go-lucky Sophie who seems like she never has a problem. I'm not the girl who always has a smile on her face. I'm the girl who cries in the bathroom at school because she though the people who sit behind her were laughing at how fat her back is. I'm the girl who slits her wrists over a gain of 0.4lbs. I'm the girl who is failing every class, but is always too depressed to focus on her school work.
I'M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.
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