Oh Sophie darling, you're dead inside

These past few days have not been good. At all. To go into detail would make me too upset, too insane. As much as I know people love me, I can't help but feel isolated and hated. My cutting is getting worse, I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to fade.

I've been putting on this strong face for Benjamin, because I love him and I can't stand to see him upset because of me. I told him I ate three meals today. In reality I had two pieces of pizza while some people were over filming for a biology project. I tried to purge as soon as they left, but I could get anything up and I ended up crying and cutting. I'm not eating tomorrow. 

I was hurt on Monday night because I was with some friends and I had a really big band concert. My mom is the only person I live with and she didn't want to go because it was "too long to sit through." I thought surely my best friend and my boyfriend would like to go and support me, but of course it was "too long to sit through." I was so hurt that nobody cared about me enough to support the one thing that means the most to me. I talked to Benjamin about it and he said he was sorry but I could tell he was only saying because he loves me and wanted to make me feel better.

Whats sad is I would have done it for them.

I'm done writing for today because I'm upset. I'm getting so sick of putting up this front. This is not who I really am. I'm not happy-go-lucky Sophie who seems like she never has a problem. I'm not the girl who always has a smile on her face. I'm the girl who cries in the bathroom at school because she though the people who sit behind her were laughing at how fat her back is. I'm the girl who slits her wrists over a gain of 0.4lbs. I'm the girl who is failing every class, but is always too depressed to focus on her school work.

I'M NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.

-The Eye Sore

Insomniac?

I haven't really been able to sleep for weeks, but this is the first time I've pulled an all nighter in a while. I just can't make the thoughts stop tonight. My love is upset with me for not eating this weekend, and I promised I would try just for him. I will try, but I doubt I will succeed. 

I don't want today to happen. There is too much going on. I missed school Friday and I'm sure I have a ton of work to make up. Work that I won't do. I'm failing all of my classes.. Also, I have a band concert tonight. I love band so much, and playing my instrument makes me the happiest person alive. I don't want to go tonight though. Why? Because I look fat in my uniform. I'm a dumbass, I know. I would rather curl up on the couch, alone, and have to face my thoughts than be in the one place I'm happiest. All because I'm fat. Nice one, Sophie. 

My mind feels like its going a million mile an hour. I'm feeling unnecessarily poetic. It's like I'm trying tirelessly to fill my mundane experiences with a facade of beauty, to make them appealing to readers of a blog that is mostly to control my tormenting thoughts. Oh my. 

I should stop before I begin to blather on about nothingness. I have an hour and a half to kill before it's time to get up. Am I going to sleep? Probably not. Am I going to work out because I ate and purged two bites of pizza? Definitely. 

-The Eye Sore

Oh dear, it has been too long.

I haven't posted in quite a while and I feel like a failure because nothing has changed. Well, a lot has changed but I have barely lost any weight.

First things first: I'm back with my ex. He is the most amazing and wonderful boy I know and I'm so glad he's back in my life because it was getting so hard trying to pretend I didn't miss him. He knows about my problems and he is always there to listen to me. I love that boy more than he knows. <3

Next: Christmas wasn't a complete disaster. I lost 10lbs over the break but I came back with bruises and a shattered self-esteem thanks to my brother. That hasn't quite repaired itself yet. I got to see my sister as well. She got fatter and I feel like a terrible person for being happy. She's visiting for spring break along with her girlfriend. I hope that I'm thinner than her at this point...

Finally: I've started cutting again. I've been really depressed lately and I couldn't take it anymore. I'm so angry at myself for starting this again, but I can't stop. I never could. Now that I've lost my virginity I'm so scared for my boyfriend to see my body because I hate it. Every  time he tells me how beautiful and perfect I am I just want to cut and cut and cut to make him see how ugly I really am. >_< 

I hope nobody has missed me. I doubt people read this anyway.

-The Eye Sore

I look so fat when I cry

Today was more than I can take. Thanksgiving dinner was supposed to be 

SIMPLEANDEASY

EASYANDSIMPLE

SIMPLEANDEASY

EASYANDSIMPLE

Just eat a bit of salad, a bit of white meat, a few bites of a roll and talk a lot. Just do it. You will be fine. You will be fine. Fine..fin..fye...fya...fayt...fat....FAT. I purged. I exercised. I did it. No I didn't. 

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I want to curl up and die. I want to curl up and disappear. I'm not eating tomorrow.

I am a failure.

-The Eye Sore

What the fuck?

So last night my brother barges into my room after I said I was going to bed. He almost caught me on PrettyThin and I was so pissed. Then he makes a comment about how I look fat when I sit down. Then I told him he's fatter than me. Then he made me go weigh myself to prove it to him. I am only 2 lbs lighter, but I have a lower body fat percentage than he does. That gives me some hope I suppose, but it was humiliating to have to step on the scale in front of somebody. I want to be at least to my 2nd goal weight before Christmas. I want to rub in the fact that I can lose weight and he can't. He can work out and lift weights all he wants but he can never get rid of the fat >:D

He's always been the favorite. Same with my sister, and my sister was anorexic when she was my age. Then she got fat. I'm going to be the fucking thin one in the family for once.

I'm going to win.

-The Eye Sore

Inspiration Mother fxcker!

So my brother got here today. Not quite as bad as I though..we have been getting along okay so far. I know that eventually, the happy wears off and he begins the hitting. The first thing he said to me when he got here was "So why don't you work out?" I almost slugged him. That does give me some motivation to exercise though. My dad forces him to lift weights at his house. The one thing that made me smile today, though, was when my brother weighed himself and came out saying "I'm rocking 174!" He has always been thinner than me and it gives me so much pride to know that I weigh less than him :D

Something shitty happened today too. The girl who was selling me addies got cut off from her prescription. That means I'm cut off. I bought my last 5 today and almost got caught :/ I guess I have to go back to diet pills or just get a prescript of my own. Bleh.

Today I ate one piece of whole wheat toast (70) and a V8 (30) for breakfast, water for lunch, and three saltine crackers (39) and some green tea for dinner. (: 

-The Eye Sore

BINGEbingeBINGEbingeFUCKmyLIFE

I came down from my adderall and I didn't have enough left for the weekend....yeah binges. BIG TIME. I feel disgusting and horrible and bloated. Now I have more adderall and I controlled myself today.

I'm scared. My twin brother is coming to visit for Thanksgiving. He always calls me fat, worthless, and lazy. I don't know if I can handle that right now, you know? I'm just starting to get back on track..maybe his comments will help keep me there. 

Insomnia..It's 1 in the morning and I'm updating my blog. Awesome. Tomorrow is going to be torture.

*sigh*

Today I ate toast for breakfast, toast for lunch, and raman noodles for dinner. It's too much. Tomorrow is a 200 calorie limit. Now that Thanksgiving break is starting, it's going to be really hard to watch what I'm eating and to hide my scale, tape measure, etc. The last thing I need is nosy siblings picking through my things. Well, that's all for tonight I suppose. 

-The Eye Sore